You Are Now Informed

Paul is out of the race, but I had to include him to make it interesting. But here is a synopsis of the Candidate's positions (as I vaguely remember from their books and TV spots) so that you can choose a President:

Iraq:
Obama – We should leave Iraq immediately. Or after we win the war and the generals say we should come home. Or as soon as the surge is proven a failure. Whichever is first . . . or last. What's important is that we all make the decision together.

McCain – We should establish a permanent base in Iraq, much like we have in Germany or other past-conflict places.

Paul – Iraq? Iraq!? There is no war in Iraq! Show me the declaration! We’re not just getting out of Iraq, we are getting out of Germany and France and Vietnam and everywhere else we maintain an unlawful foreign presence. Thomas Jefferson never went to Iraq, why are you!?

Taxes:
Obama – The rich do not deserve a tax break. I asked Warren Buffet, and he assures me that rich people agree that the State owns everything they have. We must repeal the Bush Tax Cuts and use the money to fund inner city schools and universal medical care.

McCain – Tax cuts for all! Reducing the tax burden is the only way to stimulate the economy. I’ll reduce taxes, fund renewables, pay for a war, AND balance the budget! As a Maverick, I don’t have to follow your so-called “math!”

Paul - Taxes!? I don’t see taxes, I see the US Gov’t taking money from people at gun point! It is looting! We need to eliminate 80% of failing Federal programs, return the money to the people and let the states decide whether they want to replace the Fed programs.

Abortion:
Obama – I am deeply torn on the issue of abortion and have spent most of my life reflecting on these profound issues. America must heal, life must be sacred, and women must have choices. I remember a woman in Pensacola that I meet at a factory. She had children, I believe, and also was Pro-Choice, but not Abortion-On-Demand Pro-Choice. I feel a deep sincerity in the words I remember her saying

McCain – My party requires that I be pro-life. Anecdotally, my body now operates on mostly military surplus parts. I had a tumor with teeth and hair once, I think those should be removable.

Paul – As a young doctor, I assisted in an abortion. The tiny fetus was removed from the womb and placed in a bucket. It tried to breath, tried to cry, and all the doctors tried to pretend like it wasn’t there. I can never support abortion. (My apologies for the graphic nature, but this really is his experience and position).

Economy:
Obama – By reflecting on my life and experiences, I have become introspective about my thoughts regarding poverty and race. Middle class people and blue-collar workers are dissatisfied with the inequalities of the market place. I will change the economy and bring equality to the world.

McCain – I too will change the economy. We must drill for oil to reduce energy costs while also developing solar, wind, and Leprechaun Power for our future. When I was a kid, every house had one light-bulb and one TV and a new car cost a nickel.

Paul – This isn’t about energy costs! Regulation and “trade agreements” with foreign nations have crippled America’s ability to produce capital, and only capital can improve an economy and create economic wealth. Thomas Jefferson appeared to me in a dream and told me that Federal Regulation is a sinister plot to enslave the American People!

The Economic Pie:
Obama – the Pie is too unevenly divided. We must divide the pie into equal sections. Also, this metaphor is beneath me, let’s call it a metaphysical sphere that is epistemologically ephemeral. The metaphysical sphere, while unknowable, must find itself equally present in each person’s mind. There, much better.

McCain – The pie is too small! As long as everyone gets a good portion, who cares if some people’s piece is larger than others? We can grow the pie by aggressive regulation of trade. Also, I just might eat the pie without asking you. . . I’m a maverick!

Paul – Get your grubby hands the hell away from my pie! Where in the constitution does it talk about a Pie! Thomas Jefferson never had a pie, I can guarantee you that, and he would be ashamed of all of you standing around talking about how to divide someone else’s pie!